Hal - Deliberately Basic

I’m not making this up. A 70-ft palm that commits suicide when it blooms has been discovered. The plant, a new species, sprouts a 20-ft flower spire and dies after insects drain its nutrients. The palm was hidden in a tiny remote swamp in Madagascar. This tree is considered to be one of the botanical wonders of the world. These are exciting times.

We live in an age with a false sense of security about mental health. Every time someone goes nuts and kills themselves, or commits genocide, the same question is asked; why did he do it? Well, dog gone it, he went out of his freakin’ gourd, ya know, and by-golly, just went and screwed the pooch this time. He was always so quiet and well liked.

The newsless media always has a list of questions, all with that same “why” theme. The inference is, we could always avoid tragic situations if we only knew why. Here then is an outline of pertinent questions that should have been asked before this disaster occurred, along with a few observations.

1) Why didn’t someone notice the behavior of the tree prior to its demise? Maybe this tragedy could have been avoided if only someone had given it the attention it deserved. Was it ostracized by the other trees because it was different?

2) No mention of a suicide note or letter was reported. I believe an investigation is in order, perhaps an autopsy to find the real cause of death. A pathologist – tree of course – report is in order. I would like to know if there were any signs of BFT (blunt force trauma). I watch CSI, Law & Order, and other highly informative television. Local news has the same information, but far too boring and repetitive.

3) Where was CNN when the palm was committing the act? To their credit they picked up the story. There was not nearly enough continued coverage. We should have seen this every fifteen minutes, for four days minimum.

4) Was the tree grieving? Did it have a poor self-image? Never once did I see a news station call in a consulting psychologist, not even Doctor Phil. In fact it was not even on local television news. Maybe if it had fallen through a bathroom window, and pinned a 55 year old woman to the toilet, we could have commiserated with her, and the tree.

5) Has anyone checked to see if the tree was using drugs? Again, where were the experts, the counselors, the trendy psych chumps promoting their latest book? Note to self: Good title for book, “All I Need to Know I Learned From a Madagascar Swamp Palm.”

6) On what grounds could neighboring trees file a lawsuit? Madagascar would be the apparent place, but would the tree get a fair trial in this neck of the woods? Attorneys will be coming out of the woodwork for this one.

7) Will we see a revival in Druidism Druidry? I can see the headlines “Radical Druids Storm Madagascar Angered By Tree Murder.” Don’t be surprised if swamp maples in Madagascar start dying mysteriously.

8) The tree huggers will be out en mass, hocking Amazon Kindles, and extolling the virtues of a paperless office. The ramifications are endless. I don’t suppose there is much chance of burial in a wooden coffin anymore.

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