Hal - Deliberately Basic

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
– Mark Twain

The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition has released a study that suggests eating seven or more eggs a week may cause a higher risk of earlier death. That is, if you are a middle-aged man with diabetes and a tendency for health problems, and you hold your mouth the wrong way. In fact, one headline read “Killer Eggs” which implies that eggs will kill you if you piss them off or eat more than seven a week.

Those of us who write blogs or news stories, know that people don’t read; they skim. What will stick in the minds of those who read “Killer Eggs?” Don’t eat eggs, of course. Eggs bad, Jane. Not eat eggs no more.

If this is such a ridicules study why bring it up? I use this story as an example of how important it is to examine a story for details before drawing conclusions. Headlines are catchy, meant to draw the reader in, and when it concerns health, what better way than fear? Fear, the great motivator,  will get a reaction every time, unless you read the fine print and use critical thinking.

The bottom line of this article is, there is no bottom line. As we age we become more and more concerned with health. Our inspiration is simple - most of us don’t want to die immediately after turning 60. Neither do we want to live the life of a stoic, denying ourselves the pleasure of eating tasty food.

Dr. Robert Eckel of the University of Colorado and a former president of the American Heart Association made this comment:
“But  remember, eggs are like all other foods — they are neither good nor bad,  and they can be part of an overall heart-healthy diet.”

The same can be said of most studies. They are neither good nor bad. But they are funded, in many cases by a corporation with an agenda (read, $$). Think about that the next time you see a billboard with cows holding signs that admonish, “Eat more Chicken.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t think the cows are deeply committed to chicken slaughter as a means of self preservation.

It is time to come out with it, like John Edwards, The United Steelworkers, and  George McGovern, I’m tossing in my hat and backing Barack Obama. I’ve  held off as long as I could because that’s what us influential backers do. I don’t know why they do, but I don’t want to be any different than any other major player in this political turmoil.

Now that I’ve come out and said it, I’m sure Clinton will go home and cry, have the press over and officially quit. If she calls, I will explain to her, firmly but with consolation, that I cannot stand behind her. She carries too much emotional baggage, having spent most of her life with Bill, and is simply not as good as Barack.

Obama will be overwhelmed to know that he has my support. Now that the news is official, I expect a thank you note from him, maybe an invitation to come over and play badminton or have a beer. He may call on me for advice after he is elected, a service I will assuredly perform as a citizen.

Oh, John McCain you say, what about him? Well, first he is a Republican and second, he is a Republican. And if that isn’t bad enough, he likes war, big-business, low-wages, and dare I say it, Dubya. I realize these two sentences are redundant.

Some people think that it doesn’t make any difference who is elected. To them I say, have a look at George Bush. He has made a hell of a difference. And not a bad difference, but horribly bad.

So there it is, citizen Hal is officially supporting Barack Obama. If he stays within the boundaries of his promises and pledges to the other citizens, I will probably vote for him as well.

A recent experiment suggests that it may be possible to jiggle off excess body fat. Known as vibration technology, researchers at Stony Brook University in New York worked with mice five days a week for 15 weeks. The vibrating mice had 27% less torso fat than similar non-vibrating mice at the end of the experiment.

The mice were placed on a platform that created almost more of a buzz than a vibration, vibrating at 90 times per second. Further work is being done to see what effect if might have on humans. I assume the platforms will be much larger for people, especially those with an ass like a two-dollar war mule.

Naturally, my sick mind runs wild as I consider this, yet another way to lose the lard. I like the idea of vibration anyway, and I wonder, could this be combined with sex? Gyrating wildly about on a vibrating platform, arms flailing, would without a doubt burn calories. As I picture this, I may have seen something similar on an infomercial late one night.

But, as I think of it, vibrating chairs and beds have been around for ages. Do I smell a comeback for these? I hope so. A nice walk is OK, but there is something about vibrating that conjures up fond memories.

I’m not making this up. A 70-ft palm that commits suicide when it blooms has been discovered. The plant, a new species, sprouts a 20-ft flower spire and dies after insects drain its nutrients. The palm was hidden in a tiny remote swamp in Madagascar. This tree is considered to be one of the botanical wonders of the world. These are exciting times.

We live in an age with a false sense of security about mental health. Every time someone goes nuts and kills themselves, or commits genocide, the same question is asked; why did he do it? Well, dog gone it, he went out of his freakin’ gourd, ya know, and by-golly, just went and screwed the pooch this time. He was always so quiet and well liked.

The newsless media always has a list of questions, all with that same “why” theme. The inference is, we could always avoid tragic situations if we only knew why. Here then is an outline of pertinent questions that should have been asked before this disaster occurred, along with a few observations.

1) Why didn’t someone notice the behavior of the tree prior to its demise? Maybe this tragedy could have been avoided if only someone had given it the attention it deserved. Was it ostracized by the other trees because it was different?

2) No mention of a suicide note or letter was reported. I believe an investigation is in order, perhaps an autopsy to find the real cause of death. A pathologist – tree of course – report is in order. I would like to know if there were any signs of BFT (blunt force trauma). I watch CSI, Law & Order, and other highly informative television. Local news has the same information, but far too boring and repetitive.

3) Where was CNN when the palm was committing the act? To their credit they picked up the story. There was not nearly enough continued coverage. We should have seen this every fifteen minutes, for four days minimum.

4) Was the tree grieving? Did it have a poor self-image? Never once did I see a news station call in a consulting psychologist, not even Doctor Phil. In fact it was not even on local television news. Maybe if it had fallen through a bathroom window, and pinned a 55 year old woman to the toilet, we could have commiserated with her, and the tree.

5) Has anyone checked to see if the tree was using drugs? Again, where were the experts, the counselors, the trendy psych chumps promoting their latest book? Note to self: Good title for book, “All I Need to Know I Learned From a Madagascar Swamp Palm.”

6) On what grounds could neighboring trees file a lawsuit? Madagascar would be the apparent place, but would the tree get a fair trial in this neck of the woods? Attorneys will be coming out of the woodwork for this one.

7) Will we see a revival in Druidism Druidry? I can see the headlines “Radical Druids Storm Madagascar Angered By Tree Murder.” Don’t be surprised if swamp maples in Madagascar start dying mysteriously.

8) The tree huggers will be out en mass, hocking Amazon Kindles, and extolling the virtues of a paperless office. The ramifications are endless. I don’t suppose there is much chance of burial in a wooden coffin anymore.