Hal - Deliberately Basic

R Rated Diets, Are They Effective?

For the longest time I thought only nouns and verbs could be combined with the word diet to make a new diet. Now I think any combination of letters in English can make a diet. Since I’ve already been exposed to all the popular diets, I went looking on the Internet for weird diets. What I used to consider a weird diet – eating only one food for example – is not at all that strange any more.

The first one to catch my eye was “The Sex Diet.” That might actually work for me since I like sex to begin with. I became excited just clicking the link… that is, in the sense of anticipation. But as it turns out, this is a chic diet, all about love and tenderness, and hokey effeminate crap that I couldn’t connect with. Sorry gals, if this was the “sex workout diet” I could get into it, but  I had to pass on this one.

Next was the “Roadkill Diet.” This is a form of aversion diet, where you purposely go looking for dead animals on the highway in hope that you will think of this when you eat. Or that is try to eat without hurling. Again, not for me, although I thought it exotic, and even considered a short trip around the block just in case that damned cat next door had used his ninth life.

My next stop was “The Jesus Diet”, and no I am not making this up. You won’t find it because you will be redirected to hell, or a fundamentalist religious site; as my illiterate, mouth-breathing neighbor (the one with the cat) says, “same difference.” Because of that, I will never know if the Jesus diet had any good advice to offer for weight loss. I went to this site because of the spiritual anomaly of Christ having a weight problem. How disappointing not to find it.

For those more inclined to the Old Testament, there is “The Genesis Diet.” The thing that stuck with me on this site was: GENESIS 9:3 “Every moving thing that lives shall be food for you.” Think about that for a moment. If your taste runs to eating the neighbor next door, well there you have it. Her pussy cat is fair game as well. I’m sensing a Freudian undertone in this  piece. Better have another look for sex and dieting.

“The Palaeolithic Diet” aka the caveman diet requires eating, well, like a caveman. My first thought was dinosaur meat because I get a hankering for that so much. I’d love to have a huge grill, steaks that took two men to carry about, and several gallons of barbecue sauce. Dinosaur meat? How about that sex diet gals.

This one was so ghastly I had to have a look. “The Tapeworm Diet.” You see, this huge worm lives in your guts and eats your food, thus making you thin for lack of calories. This, combined with the “Roadkill” diet could be as effective as banding your stomach with a bungee cord and duct tape.

After surfing through a number of these bizarre methods of losing weight, I stumbled upon “The Fuck It Diet.” Apparently, the gentleman in question has tried every diet in the universe and all have failed him. At last he simply said “fuck it, I’m going to eat whatever I want, when I want it.” He found that by not trying to diet, he didn’t crave the foods he loved so much, and actually ate less and lost weight. This weird logic was a little scary because it in fact made sense to me.

I have decided to take a different approach and combine some of these diets. Here then is my latest diet, and you may use it at your discretion. The “For Christ’s sake, fuck it, eat the neighbor and screw the cat” diet.

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