Hal - Deliberately Basic

Common Metal Keys Are Anachronic

The mechanical lock and key dates back more than 4000 years. Every time I put a wad of keys in my pocket to go somewhere, I wonder why, with the technology we have today, I still have to do this. I know that certain cars, more so with high-priced models, have keypads, but even then only to unlock the car.

What we have is, high-priced metal keys with an embedded chips. Replacing one of these keys can be a nightmare if you are stranded on a weekend or holiday. Your right arm, firstborn child and a large sum of money may be required for one of these keys, even during normal business hours at auto dealerships.

For years fortification technology has been developed to gain entrance to highly secure systems. Everything from Fort Knox to your laptop makes use of advanced electronic devices for security. You may not need blast proof vaults and armed guards for your 1993 Civic, but from here on it would be nice to use a card, your thumb, eye, face or even your arse to gain entrance and start the damned thing. An aside, I don’t know if all assholes are different or not. Note to self: Ponder assholes I know.

Keyless entry systems are handy, but not quite handy enough. If you carry a purse those bulky keys may not be a problem, but shove them in a tight jeans pocket and ruminate over the bulge. In your pocket, of course.

Google auto security, keyless systems, and you will find approximately a bunch of third-party companies that offer remote devices, and security gimmicks. As far as I can tell, only very high-priced vehicles come with anything beyond a key with a chip in it.

Consider all the gadgets at our disposal these days. You can watch TV and movies on your PC or even you phone – I cannot imagine watching a movie on my phone, but integration is the current fad. Why then is high-tech security not prevalent with houses and cars?

The larger issue is, would you use it if it were available as and as common as a metal key? Would you feel safe with a keypad, fingerprints, or some other technology for your house or car? If you answered no, consider that you are living with a false sense of security. Or, you are a highly regarded member of the NRA.

Sorry, But Your Important Message isn’t Worth The Bytes Its Written On

Suppose you carefully compose an email message to someone important and they don’t read it. A friend or business acquaintance asks you a question, you want to be perfectly clear, so you number the points to your answer. The same day, the same person, asks a question about the same thing you just sent him.

People do not read email messages. People scan messages. A good many folks I know read the first line, possibly two lines of a message, and delete it. You could send a message that you have a brain tumor and only have a week to live, and I guarantee some will not read it. This is especially true if you make this your second point in a message. For example:

Hi Betty,

I’m having a very difficult time of it right now. (first point)
The doctor told me I have a tumor in my brain and I only have a week to live . (second point)
Et harum quidem rerum facilis est qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Temporibus autem quibusdam nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? (third point)

And if your tumor message is read, at least 50% of those readers won’t understand it. You will get inquiries asking who has a kidney problem. A week later you will get a phone call from a long lost friend who just heard you had leprosy. The third point…Oh, you didn’t read the third point?

Consider that most people are not good communicators, which ipso facto means they don’t listen, unless of course they are the subject of contention. Praise them or damn them; they will hear or read everything you say. Talk about anything else, especially in email, and they see with glossed over eyes.

I have reached the conclusion that sending an email message with more than one point is less than useless. Here is an interesting experiment I intend to try, and will report back on the findings.

I have five points to make, or at least five things to say to 10 or more people. Half of them I will send one message with all five things I need to say. The other half I will send five messages with only one point in each message.

Anyone care to take bets on which group will read all five points?

The Shame of Addiction

Ever since the oil gangsters decided to enhance their profits by artificially inflating the price of fuel, the news broadcasters have coined a new phrase – “addiction to oil.” In February 2006 El Presidente Bush told the entire US that we are addicted. Apparently, I have a serious problem with substance abuse and I should get help as soon as possible.

In my usual curious and simple way, I went looking for relief from the monkey on my back, and like so many other people these days, I utilized the most scientific method I know. I Googled for a list of addictions.

Well, that was easy. Right away I found Addictionz.
Listed in alphabetical order, I scrolled down the list of addictions (did you know coin collecting was an addiction?), but under ‘O’ there is nothing listed for oil addiction. Everything from aspirin to the zoo is addicting (oh my hell, therapy is an addiction) except oil.

Of course I moved on looking for another site, a clinic to cure my expensive oil habit. There are tons of sites that explain this problem, but nothing about serious therapy – oops, therapy is in itself a problem. It occurred to me to try self help. I’ve known alcoholics who quit drinking without the aid of a 12 step program, or God forbid, therapy, now that I know what that is.

My first thought, I could quit any time I want, I just don’t want to right now. But what if I did want to quit? I found listed guidance for masturbation, work, prayer (yes, you can pray too much, lame-ass church sissy) but nothing for oil. I’m totally on my on with this one.

Start with a plan, that’s what I always say. My plan was, quit cold turkey. Oil, who needs it? Not me. Never gonna touch that shit again. Color me an ex oil addict. But first things first. My first hurdle was, how would I get to work?

There is always shank’s mare. Of course that’s more than ten miles one way. I can feel the first wave of nausea coming on.

Start or join a carpool. What, put myself in the same vehicle with a bunch of addicts. I don’t think so.

Live beside the office where I work. Not in that neighborhood. Too many crack addicts around there, although I doubt they use much oil. Note to self: Keep this in mind. Drug addicts use less oil than the general population.

Use mass transit. There is no mass transit in this part of the country, and even if there was, I’m back now with a train-load of oil addicts.

Scew it, don’t work. Go on welfare and have checks mailed to me. Maybe Thoreau had the right idea. Only do enough to sustain yourself, meditate on nature, and, with a proper self-righteous aplomb, look down your nose at the rest of the population. He studied Latin and Greek at Harvard, so what would he say? Re vera, potas bene.
(Say, you sure are drinking a lot.)