Hal - Deliberately Basic

The Shame of Addiction

Ever since the oil gangsters decided to enhance their profits by artificially inflating the price of fuel, the news broadcasters have coined a new phrase – “addiction to oil.” In February 2006 El Presidente Bush told the entire US that we are addicted. Apparently, I have a serious problem with substance abuse and I should get help as soon as possible.

In my usual curious and simple way, I went looking for relief from the monkey on my back, and like so many other people these days, I utilized the most scientific method I know. I Googled for a list of addictions.

Well, that was easy. Right away I found Addictionz.
Listed in alphabetical order, I scrolled down the list of addictions (did you know coin collecting was an addiction?), but under ‘O’ there is nothing listed for oil addiction. Everything from aspirin to the zoo is addicting (oh my hell, therapy is an addiction) except oil.

Of course I moved on looking for another site, a clinic to cure my expensive oil habit. There are tons of sites that explain this problem, but nothing about serious therapy – oops, therapy is in itself a problem. It occurred to me to try self help. I’ve known alcoholics who quit drinking without the aid of a 12 step program, or God forbid, therapy, now that I know what that is.

My first thought, I could quit any time I want, I just don’t want to right now. But what if I did want to quit? I found listed guidance for masturbation, work, prayer (yes, you can pray too much, lame-ass church sissy) but nothing for oil. I’m totally on my on with this one.

Start with a plan, that’s what I always say. My plan was, quit cold turkey. Oil, who needs it? Not me. Never gonna touch that shit again. Color me an ex oil addict. But first things first. My first hurdle was, how would I get to work?

There is always shank’s mare. Of course that’s more than ten miles one way. I can feel the first wave of nausea coming on.

Start or join a carpool. What, put myself in the same vehicle with a bunch of addicts. I don’t think so.

Live beside the office where I work. Not in that neighborhood. Too many crack addicts around there, although I doubt they use much oil. Note to self: Keep this in mind. Drug addicts use less oil than the general population.

Use mass transit. There is no mass transit in this part of the country, and even if there was, I’m back now with a train-load of oil addicts.

Scew it, don’t work. Go on welfare and have checks mailed to me. Maybe Thoreau had the right idea. Only do enough to sustain yourself, meditate on nature, and, with a proper self-righteous aplomb, look down your nose at the rest of the population. He studied Latin and Greek at Harvard, so what would he say? Re vera, potas bene.
(Say, you sure are drinking a lot.)

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