Hal - Deliberately Basic

The High Science of Soda Pop

Certain things in life we certainly take for granted, carbonated water, or soda pop being one of them. We tend to think that teenagers who work as clerks, or are charged with taking our money when we pay the check at a restaurant are fully developed adult human beings. In fact, they are often not from earth at all, but illegal aliens from some distant galaxy who came here to work for substandard wages and converse in a strange language.

Due to some malformation of her esophagus, my wife cannot drink carbonated beverages. She cannot burp, and since both of us are put off by the possibility of her exploding in public, she drinks non-carbonated beverages. On occasion, she enjoys having a little beer or soda, if the soda can be flattened. For some reason beer does not have the same effect, taken in small quantities, and yes, flat soda is disgusting.

Over the years I watched her ask again and again if she can be served flat soda in a restaurant. The answer is always the same, they have to method of flattening soda other than to wait a couple of days, and ordinarily we don’t like to do that. Recently, we had an unusual experience with a young waitress about this. She had no idea what a carbonated beverage was.

I watched in awe as my wife attempted to explain to this young woman what makes soda pop fizzy. This gal had a touch of blond in her hair, but I think it was merely dyed. As a final resort, my wife reduced the conversation to baby talk, educating the girl with knowledge of “fizzy” and “no fizzy” drinks.
“You know, like iced-tea or lemonade… “
“Oh, you want iced-tea…”
“No, no, no. I want soda that is flattened, like iced-tea.”
“Ma’am, soda is different than iced-tea.”
“I know that. I want flattened soda”
“Should I call the manager?”
Exasperated look.
“No, just give me iced-tea.”

If this was an isolated incident we wouldn’t think much of it. But considering that we have had teens who were clueless about counting money, or making any decision other than from a scripted answer, we discussed this phenomena. Are teens today ignorant of the common mores assumed in our culture? Could it be that this is a generational issue and nothing more than our forgetting how stupid we were as teens?

These and other questions were brought up, turned, twisted, and wrangled with, but we didn’t reach a conclusion. I can see the future, that some day, this same girl will be agonizing how to explain iPods to someone who is her age now.

Your Commercial is Amazing

I can’t stand your product but your commercial is amazing. Over the years there have been some surprisingly great commercials on American television. Conversely, there have been some TV ads that are so obnoxious I have sworn never to buy the product for that reason alone.

There is indeed that marketing way of thinking that repulsiveness will make you remember the product, and therefore, buy it. Since advertising companies sell everything from aspirin to presidents, this must be true. We have had some repugnant presidents. I should have made that present tense, but what’s the need for redundancy?

Be that as it may, I will never buy, nor pass on information (except for this article) about one of the most annoying commercials I’ve ever seen. HeadOn, produced by Miralus Healthcare is like listening to fingernails on a blackboard. Besides that, it consists of almost nothing but wax with a little menthol and other ingredients, so diluted they are considered to have only a placebo effect at best.

This commercial has spawned a number of parodies, most of which I have never seen, and doubt I will. Indeed I wonder if they will produce an anal medication. ColOn, apply directly up the arse.

Your Dad On A Pizza Box

Should you ever need a dumbass, deleterious, counterproductive, lopsided idea, look no further than Cincinnati, Ohio. The state of Ohio is multifaceted, from a more socially progressive Cleveland in the North, to a ultra conservative, in your face Cincinnati in the south. As it is with life in general, most of the inhabitants live somewhere in the middle.

The latest debacle in Cincinnati is the Deadbeat parents on a pizza box fiasco. The Butler County Child Support Enforcement Agency, as of this writing, has sold three local pizza parlors the ludicrous idea of putting wanted posters on their boxes. The agency chief, Cynthia Brown, provides the info to these pizza joints.

Why is this such a bad idea? No matter what your parents may have done, would you, as a child, want to see their picture on a wanted poster? Especially something as common and demeaning as a pizza box. You can bet the playground bullies will have their fun with this.
“Hey, girlie boy, I saw your old lady on a pizza box.”
“I didn’t know your dad was a deadbeat asshole. Must be hard for you.”

Then there is the other side of the story. Suppose a man or woman happens to be unemployed, a condition that could happen to anyone, even the self-righteous who think that life will never deal them any hard luck because they are just so damned good. Yes Virginia, there are those who can’t pay support because they don’t have the means to do it.

I am not, nor have I ever been involved with anything to do with child support. I do however, know men who have been arrested at work, handcuffed and taken to jail for non-payment. One individual had made his payment, but the court had not recorded it, and a warrant was issued for his arrest. Another had ask for a short reprieve because he simply could not come up with the required payment. He too was incarcerated.

I am not endorsing anyone who refuses to pay child support just because they are stingy or simply don’t give a dam. If you have a child, it is your responsibility to see that the child is given the necessities of life. Period. Divorce is hell for children. Don’t make life harder for them by putting dad’s mug shot on a pizza box.

As of this writing three stores are involved in this: Karen’s Pizzeria, Angilo’s Pizza, and Fairfield Pizza. Note that no national chain is yet involved. Other counties in Ohio are contemplating similar SS tactics. But if a major chain should decide to jump on the bandwagon, I will never again buy their product, even if its the best damned pizza in existence.

What is next in the long chain of creative imprisonment? Ronald McDonald in cuffs.

“To assert in any case that a man must be absolutely cut off from society because he is absolutely evil amounts to saying that society is absolutely good, and no-one in his right mind will believe this today.”

Albert Camus

The Absolute Most Worrisome Clichés of The Decade

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who start Clichés and those who cannot speak without using them. Have you ever gone a week without using a Cliché? As you can see, I haven’t. And I still have my eyesight, for the most part.

Most of us use Clichés in ordinary speech. Without platitudes and Clichés most of us would be at a loss for anything to say. But, some words and phrases become so over-used, if we really listen, we become ill and want to vomit from too much exposure to them.

Here then, are some barf-inducing words and expressions that I have collected for some time, and now will share with you for entertainment. Some are more potent than others for hastening  dysfunctional brain cell activity, and inducing madness. Feel free to add to this list, so that we may all share our stuff.

Buzzwords, Neologisms, and Bromides

A neologism is a newly invented word or phrase, that becomes part of the language. This is good, as we often need new words to explain that which has no word for it. Cyberspace is a prime example of a neologism.

Buzzword is yet another word for Cliché. These words and phrases are so over-used, they become tiring to the soul, and cause the illnesses described above. Bromides, used in this context, are not for stomach acid; in this context they produce stomach acid.

The Words

Guru - A guru is a spiritual teacher. Current use, someone who is an expert at anything, usually with computers.

Tipping point - From the book “Tipping Point”, almost as over-used as Paradigm. The moment of critical mass, the threshold, the point when everyday things reach epidemic proportions. Example: The election in 2008 may be my tipping point for watching campaign ads without uninterrupted retching.

Ground zero - What can be said about this?  It is associated with the attack on The World Trade Center, but is now used to mean the lowest point where dire events take place.

What goes round comes round - If ever a remark was made that was more idiotic than this, I never heard it. What the hell does this mean? I know what it is supposed to mean, but come on folks. Let’s use a better Cliché such as Karma for this concept.

Paradigm - The word paradigm sounds like a part from a ‘49 Buick transmission. Oh hell, my paradigm just shifted again. Gotta get that sucker fixed.

Synergize - From the Greek “synergia,” which means joint work and cooperative action. There are over one million definitions for this word when I Googled it. I don’t remember most of them.

On steroids - Everything that is a little better than its predecessor or competitive product is on steroids. This goes well with the next one.

Not your father’s____ fill in the blank. Used to illustrate the potency of one thing over another. I’ll wait for the sequel, Not your son’s_____.

Outside the box - To think “outside the box.” The litter box? Yes, I know the puzzle from whence this came, but after hearing this, even in a fast-food commercial, I am going to think inside the box just to piss them off.

Alleged or alleged suspect - Television news talk for the stinkin’ bastard who committed the crime. Personally, I like the TV show ‘Criminal Minds’ and the word they use for the heinous SOB who perpetrated the act. The unsub. Unsub is law-enforcement slang for “Unknown Subject Of An Investigation.

Although there are approximately a bunch of words such as this, used in everyday conversation, on television and the Internet, obviously there is not room for all of them here. The English language has more than a million words, more words than any other language in the world. We have nearly infinite ways of describing anything, yet we use the same banalities over and over. I’ll leave you with a final word, or unword  as the case may be.

Git-R-done

“A vocabulary of truth and simplicity will be of service throughout your life”
Winston Churchill

Hal Brown