The need to sell religion, or lack of gives pause for immediate skepticism, especially at the most basic level. In fact, I had never given much thought to atheistic fundamentalism until I read “The Third Basic Instinct” by Alex S. Key. A few pages into this book, I decided his audience must be those who read at a fifth-grade level. The entire concept of this book is gross oversimplification of both science and religion.

I reviewed this book on Amazon, where I suggested this:
I could not in good conscience recommend this book to anyone. If you want to read about atheism, read books by those who have original thought. I suggest Ayn rand.

The author has a child-like view of both God and science. At one point he writes about a lecture he attended where E. coli was a highlighted topic, and says, “You may have heard of it….”  Hell, I once thought I had it. This is akin to awareness of HIV – you may have heard of that as well.

In reference to religion he talks about boredom in heaven as if the whole of heaven was a material thing, regarded as nothing more in concept than an iPod. It makes no difference whether heaven exists in the sense of floating on clouds with wings, or a more subtle spiritual plane.

His worst offense is the total disregard of the great philosophers who have hashed this out for centuries. He is either uneducated or simply pandering to his puerile audience. I finished the book because I am interested in what others think, especially those who found this book enlightening. We live in a scary world.

For the most part this book received good reviews on Amazon, all eleven of them. I don’t see a movement starting, bowel or otherwise, nor a movie contract in the future  for this book.

Imagine, having to get up, go to the television and turn the dial if you want to change channels or the speaker volume on your television. You laugh now, but in ancient times people actually had to do just that. Technology has brought us wondrous gadgets to relieve the stress of moving for so simple a task, while maintaining the healthy glow of the modern fat-ass mentality. Still, I do not believe we have reached the pinnacle of laziness – we still must learn something (a stretch for most people) to work the remote control.

The first remote controls were simple devices with a cord leading to the television set. You could change channels or the volume, but nothing else. These early quaint and basic controls were a mere harbinger of things to come. Most adults could push the buttons and make things happen, albeit simplistic.

Soon, the first VCRs became available, quickly caught on and before long rental tape stores were more prevalent, and somewhat easier to find, than whorehouses, for most towns and cities. The first VCRs had no remote (we won’t even get into the Beta Max issue). They had tiny, eye-straining faceplates with buttons to “program” timed recordings.

I remember lying on the floor, reading the little screen from a side angle, my head and neck strained, face in the carpet, pushing the little buttons, desperately attempting to set the timer for a program. I found early on that it was helpful to have a good cussing vocabulary to get this done correctly. Preprogram cussing was preferable to post-program cussing. If a show failed to tape, cussing didn’t seem to have much effect on the outcome. This predicament had to be solved, and the solution came in the form of the current (and dreaded) remote control.

Estimating, though not far off course, we have approximately 18,254 buttons on 14 remote control devices. I have memorized the on/off button and several others, record, and fast-forward through the commercials buttons respectively. Beyond that requires daily study, support groups and intervention for those who become drug addicted under the pressure of learning these things. I am convinced they are designed by sociopathic engineers who vicariously experience pleasure from the pain the inflict with a modern remote control.

One of the worst problems is the accidental push of the dreaded unknown button. Most remotes are filled with these things. You are enjoying a program or disk when suddenly you hit one of these buttons. It’s as if there was a great lightening strike, and everything, sound, picture, your cat, all suddenly cease. Worse, hit another button and everything starts to go in reverse, or spinning bright colors like a bad acid trip.

We have considered hiring a boy or girl to work the remote for us from 8:00 PM until 10:00 PM in the evening. To our distress we discovered that most teens no longer work; their parents provide them the cash they need for iPods and other toys they might want.
The future of remote controls is the demise of remote controls as they exist today. The corded remote was cumbersome and too simplistic, whereas the current models are compact and demanding. In so many areas technology exists to make life easier, yet it is not commonly available. The ultimate remote is your voice.

In the spirit of keeping my ass fat and my head stupid, I want to simply sit and tell the television to turn on or off. If I like a show, I can say “record that, and oh yeah, record all the others by that name.” I want to say, “zip past that commercial” or “mute yourself, can’t you hear the damned phone ringing?”

A caution for men is in order. Your wife is not a remote control. If you have a modicum of good sense, you will never even broach this subject.